Insecurities

35 is half of 70. (OK! I know you shouldn’t start sentences with numbers.) Thirty-five is half of seventy. In some ways I’ve accomplished things a 35-year old should accomplish—marriage (2), children (2), step children (1), higher degree (1) somewhat challenging sporting event (many), travel (lots).

In other ways, I am feeling not so accomplished—books published (0), companies run (0), lives saved (0), new inventions (0), death defying feats (0), wars stopped (0).

You may think my logic is missing some normal balance, but it comes from a little theory in communication known as self-discrepancy theory. The theory goes something like this: the larger the distance between who we think we ought to be and who we think we want to be--the lower our self-esteem.

I teach this theory to my students every semester. I recently thought that this theory was, “so college!” and that I hadn’t had those feelings for a really long time.

Lately, upon the eve of my 35th birthday (10/29), I realize those thoughts are creeping back. I thought I was happy living my ideal self, and I hadn’t even given any regard to my “ought self” for some time.

However, (my honor’s professor told me never to start a sentence with, “However,”) the “ought self” has been making an annoying presence. And part of me can’t help but blame it on an impending birthday, an impending election, and, an impending question…will I really give in to Botox?

Which brings me back to my long-time theory that, "Life is Long." That is my own quotation. You will never be settled--thankfully. You will never stop falling in love--unfortunately for some. You will never feel like, "Now I have it all," as understood from the men ahead of me at the coffee shop, who were amazed that a guy who made $1billion dollars a year was still unhappy.

It didn't surprise me. I knew that guy was still sitting at home thinking, "I was going to be the rebel who lived off the earth and ate berries for existence, and here I am with Whole Foods delivering my meals every week...this sucks!"

But at the time, I just kept my feelings to myself; ordered my skinny cap; and went to sit at my table and ponder...who should I be at 35?