I found out today that Axel will start preschool on Thursday. This makes me both happy and sad. When Boden started preschool I was a wreck. I brought him to school and he said, “Bye mom!” I felt very disconnected. His cubby was not set up. I brought a pillow. I wasn’t supposed to bring a pillow. The teachers kept consoling me that Boden would be fine.But they didn’t understand. I knew Boden would be fine. It was me I was worried about. I went home to a quiet house of a two month old, did the dishes and cried. I was mourning the loss of my son at home with me, and change. Change that meant from this day forward, he would always be going to school. It would never go back to what it once was. It would always be moving towards something different.
This Thursday, my last child, Axel, will start preschool. I hope the teachers at the boys’ yoga preschool are prepared for the fact that neither of my boys will cry, but their mom will. It is a process of letting go—letting go of the need to care for my children when they no longer need my care. I know it will continue and develop in many different forms, but today, on this day, this is what it looks like for me.
So I am working on accepting the fact that my life, is really my life.
And I know that having to drop them off by 8:00 am so that I can bike to campus and give my final by 8:30am, will be a good distraction. But I am worried about 10:30am, when my finals are given, and I am getting on my bike wondering, “Where should I go?”
Freedom. It is a blessing, a curse and an obligation…
My friend, Beth, will tell me this blog is too dark. But these are the things I think about sometimes…
My husband may worry this would make me want to have more children, however, it has the opposite effect. I don't want to feel this pain again.
3 comments:
Even considering its darkest content, your post is ... enlightening. You very eloquently described the unseen emotions of a mom. Kate will start Kindergarten in the Fall and then the house will really seem empty for this stay-at-home-mom. I have been very blessed to have the experience. Who would've thought two little people could have such a profound effect on one's emotional state?
Not getting lost in the drama of the moment is, perhaps, my greatest challenge. But then, who says that challenge has to be seen as negative?
As long as we fully live each moment, and fully experience each emotion as a mother, aren't we doing all we can to make this mission we call motherhood successful?
My experience as an exchange student and my entry into college life were times I enthusiastically embraced FREEDOM.
Now it seems more a burden associated with a rite of passage into an older phase in parenthood.
Part of my decision to start school again relates to the fact that I needed something in my life to be MINE again after the babies are both in school full-time! So now I embrace my freedome with even greater distractions. Ah, the plight of being a woman--truly sweet sorrow!!!
And, that is all I have to say about that.
thanks, Erica! didn't we used to sing a song about freedom in Carey's bar, drinking bloody mary's
freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose...
Oh, how times have changed...or maybe just themes have changed over time. Take care!!
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